Scaling It All

I finally got the courage to weigh myself yesterday. It was the first weigh in since before the holidays. Although it didn't put me into suicide mode like I'd predicted, it still made me feel bad. And taking into consideration the fact I've been eating pretty healthy for over a week now, I can only imagine how high it was before I began this journey. Perhaps I should have weighed myself before beginning this new me, but I didn't want to torture myself anymore.

I feel this tremendous guilt and anger over my weight on a daily basis. Being overweight is an incredibly exhausting experience. I've spent my life going into social situations and having my first thought "Okay, is there anyone here fatter than me?" And sadly, as a result, I usually walk away feeling shame and judged. And those feelings send an over eater straight to the kitchen.

I don't know how to overcome these feelings. Perhaps I need to accept it? Or maybe I need to develop strategies to feel good with my body. Whatever it is, I know I need to change here...however I think society needs to change as well. Last week, everyone on facebook and even on the radio was complaining about all the 'resolutioners' taking up the equipment at the gym. Some people said some pretty harsh things about those people, and it made me angry. If I didn't have to budget to start the gym until the end of the month, I'd be one of 'those people.' I understand that the real issue is everyone who is a 'faithful gymer' is put off by their routine being broken up, but I somehow still take it personally. I guess I see it as judging. Americans are so horribly judgmental about weight...or anything askew from status quo. Overweight people are looked at as sloppy, lazy, unmotivated- and I am NONE of those things. I

The world can be so cruel...